Processing...

This morning I got a phone call saying that my good friend Kevin, a guy who was a huge part of my life for about six years as a friend and then another year after that as a boyfriend, just died of a brain tumor. He was diagnosed about three years ago but was told he'd basically live a normal life, that the tumor should be relatively easy to control and wouldn't grow fast enough to really get in the way of his life. But last fall that all changed and he started going downhill quickly. He hung on for so long, fought so hard, but finally his body was so weak and tired and he just wanted to go home.

Funny, because last night I also had a really vivid dream about him. I walked into a big room full of people I didn't know, then saw Kevin and went to sit down beside him. We ended up sitting there for a long time....like old friends, talking about all the memories we'd shared together, and he was as alive and healed and whole and full of joy as I'd ever seen him. It was literally as if he was in the room with me, that's how real the dream was. I woke up and wondered where on earth it had come from. So to get the call this morning that he had just died hit me hard. It was so unexpected, and yet...not.

There's no need to get into everything, but things didn't end well between us....there was no closure, no resolution, he just walked out of my life one day and that was that. So even though it's been a couple of years, a few weeks ago when I went to see Kevin in the hospital, it was one of the scariest, hardest, and most vulnerable things I've ever done...to voluntarily walk back into the life of a guy who hurt me so badly, and offer him forgiveness and release him from all the hurt and brokenness that resulted when our relationship ended. But I did it, and the healing God did in my heart through that was incredible. It was a long time coming, but I was finally free. Of course Kevin couldn't communicate anything to me that day as I stood by his hospital bed; all he could do was look at me and squeeze my hand. That was enough, though.

But now, through this dream, I honestly feel like I've received confirmation of that healing from Kevin too.....that he's spoken to me through God, through this dream, that the miracle has happened. Our friendship has been healed and restored, and I'm free to move forward. Hmmm. So on one hand while I hurt and grieve for Kevin's family and his new wife Lori, I'm rejoicing that Kevin is in the presence of Jesus now, surrounded by greater joy and life than he could have ever imagined. He is, for the first time, FULLY ALIVE.

"I can only imagine, what it will be like
When I walk by Your side.
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me.
Surrounded by Your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine."

(Mercy Me)

More ramblings...

So tonight I went and watched a documentary playing at church about a couple of guys who went to Africa, India, and Thailand, immersed themselves in the worlds of the people they met there, asked some tough questions, and (of course) were totally changed by the whole experience. And once again I realized that there's no getting around it....I see the face of an African child, look into their eyes, and my heart just RESPONDS. There is nothing else that has ever made me want to drop everything, hop on the next plane, and spend the rest of my life LOVING those kids, somehow providing even an few of them with security, safety, someone who actually sees them, protects them, loves them, provides for them, allows them to dream, introduces them to Jesus. This is seriously a mission I want to run after. I know it....I keep having it confirmed....and yet I still have to ask, "How??" "Really, God?" "When?" "Where?"




Funny because most of my life I told God quite adamantly..."You can send me anywhere, call me to anything, but I will not go to Africa!" How things can change!! Now the continent that I was once totally closed to, indifferent to, sometimes even repulsed by, is a continent full of people that I desperately love...people who have totally captured my heart. I wonder how many more surprises God has in store?? :-)

Here I am!!

And so it's come to this!!! After 27 glorious years on the planet I've suddenly reached a sort of "mid-life crisis"....and apparently the only way to solve it is to publish my deepest thoughts for everyone in the world to read!! :-) So here I sit, Rascal Flatts blaring on the stereo, and as only country music can do (!)....suddenly I'm in that place of taking a good long look at my life and where I'm at, dusting off all the hopes and dreams that have somehow gotten buried over the years, wishing I could slow down time so I could figure some of this stuff out already!! :-)

God's been so good over the years....not that things have been easy, but He's consistently been leading me on a journey of breaking free from fear and bondage, from all the lies about my identity I believed for so long, out of religion, out of the small view I had of Him......into a place of greater and greater freedom, learning to worship, learning to risk, falling SO in love with my Savior. It's awesome to see the growth that's been happening, and even though I still have so ridiculously far to go (!!), I can look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. Yes, He is GOOD. He's also given me some pretty incredible adventures since high school....from Bible school in Austria to backpacking across Europe to working at a home for abandoned babies and AIDS orphans in Africa...I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything! And I've been blessed with great jobs and good friends to share life with, a church where God is so at work, a small group of amazing girls that challenge and encourage me every week, a fabulous family, precious nieces and nephews to spoil and love....I could go on and on!

And yet....since Christmas I've been growing more and more dissatisfied with my life, more and more desperate, more and more hungry for, well, MORE! I've been working quite happily in the business world for close to seven years, but suddenly I can't handle it anymore! I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings and drag myself off to the office....I'm desperate to be set free from the 9-5 routine, the predictability, the same old thing, being surrounded by all the comfort and wealth and blessing that life in Canada brings...but also the complacency and superficiality. Everything in me cries out that there has to be more, that this can't be it....this can't be what I was created for! I'm desperate to be living for a vision that is so much greater than myself, to actually be doing something with my time and energy that ignites passion in me and brings life to others!! I want to be operating in that realm where God is working, healing, transforming lives, setting people free, rescuing them....and I'm part of it!

I blame it on my time in Africa.....three of the most overwhelming, stretching, exhausting, heart-wrenching months of my life....but also the only time I can think of where I was completely, totally, 100% fulfilled. I was pouring out my heart and soul for those kids, and the love they responded with filled me with such amazing joy and purpose and passion that all the other questions in life seemed to fade away. Then I came home and was suddenly overwhelmed with it all again.....with work, with relationships, with guys, with all the areas in my life I so desperately need God's healing in.....and the questions just keep coming!

So I've been asking God lately to give me glimpses of HIS vision for my life....what it would look like if I was actually living out the unique design He had in mind for me...and slowly He's been revealing bits and pieces. How they all fit together, I have NO idea....so in the meantime here I sit, time passing by so quickly, waiting on God, trying to position myself to keep growing in the process....but it's hard to keep the desperation from taking over!!

I guess there are worse places to be, though....as John Eldredge says in Waking the Dead..."Christianity has nothing to say to the person who is completely satisfied with the way things are. Its message is for those who hunger and thirst, for those who desire life as it was meant to be!" So if hungering and thirsting after God and real, meaningful life also means learning to live in that agonizing balance between surrendering all these unanswered questions and unfufilled desires to God...and recognizing that right now, right here, there's something He wants to do.....well, then I guess I'm right where I need to be. Hmmmm. :-)

Now back to the country music.... :-)