Changes!!

Well, my little brother is now a married man!! I had such a fabulous time in Dawson over the weekend...it was absolutely amazing to be there and share in the JOY of Brandon and Mandy! I had tons of fun moving them into their cozy little house, making a feast with mom for the rehearsal dinner, hanging with the fam (!!), freezing to death at the cabin (what a fantastic weekend for the temperature to plunge to -35!), being one of the "guys".....it was fun, laughs, and adventure the whole way. And the wedding was beautiful...simple, real, personal, and meaningful. I'll admit it's going to take me a while to adjust to the whole idea of Brandon being married, but I'm oh so happy for those two...the love between them is undeniable, and I don't think I've ever seen Brandon so at peace. Really. The best part of the wedding was having him sing the song he wrote for Mandy in the middle of the ceremony....thankfully Stephen kept his back pocket well-stocked with kleenex! :-)

Karen and Hope and I drove back to Edmonton last night, which was highly eventful...mostly because my car's heater decided to stop working properly, which is okay on a normal day, but not in -30!! So the windows kept icing up the whole way (I drove while Karen scraped furiously!!) Needless to say, by the time we finally got back to the city we were numb with cold!! Little Hope was snug and happy in her car seat bundled under layers and layers of blankets, though, which was the main thing I guess!!

So, one more big event out of the way, but there are more changes in store for me in the next little while that I'm super excited about! I've been desperately needing a job change for quite a while now...not because things are so horrible at Givens, but because I've gone as far as I can go there, and an accounting firm environment doesn't exactly allow a creative person like me to thrive!! Quite the opposite, actually!! That, combined with a less-than-healthy relationship with my boss (no need to go into all the details!) told me it was time to move on...but I was scared to death to do anything about it. I hate confrontation, and I hate to disappoint people, both of which would have to happen if I was going to quit!!

Two weeks ago I came across a job at Habitat for Humanity, though, that immediately grabbed me.....32 hours a week, flexible, interesting, and hey, it can't hurt to be part of a well-known and respected non-profit organization that's actually making a huge difference in the world! So I applied, started praying, got called for an interview, went and met with two of the head people there, got SUPER excited about the job after talking with them, prayed and stressed and tried to trust for a week while they interviewed other people and made their decision...then last Wednesday suddenly got the call that I'd been chosen!!! I couldn't quite believe it, but at the same time, it was just so RIGHT!

So the next day I gathered up every ounce of courage I possessed and did one of the hardest things I've ever done...walked into my boss's office out of the blue and gave my notice!! Um....yes....it was terrifying! But the freedom and sweet relief and utter joy that flooded me when I did it was unbelievable. And that's the feeling I'm still basking in.....like this isn't just the simple act of quitting one job and moving on to another....like it's so much more significant than that. I suddenly feel like I'm standing out in the wide open spaces again, free, expectant, excited, anticipating. I'm not held down any more under the grip of manipulation and control, I'm not going to just "settle", I'm not accepting boredom and monotony...I'm heading into a position, into an organization, that's going to let my creativity soar, that's going to challenge me, that's going to give me meaningful community involvement, and that's going to open the door to a whole world of opportunity both here and overseas!

So, two more weeks left at Givens!! Today was crazy...a whole lot of tears, a whole lot of shock, a whole lot of half-joking nasty emails, a lot of harassment, and a lot of love and sadness. I'm overwhelmed to think that I could leave such a huge hole there...I can't quite believe the favor God's given me, even if just for a year and a half. I'm going to miss the team and our frequent elastic band fights and all the pranks we pulled on eachother and the weekly office competitions we organized...and my favorite two clients who sneaked by today and slipped me $600 in cash for Christmas "just because you do such a great job for us!" But thankfully I won't have much time to let the emotions and nostalgia take over, because the rest of the month will be jam-packed full of training and organizing and setting people up to take over my duties. Thrill.

But hey...just over a week till Christmas!!!!!! Bring on the JOY!!! :-)

Whirlwind week in Colorado

I just got back from a week in Colorado visiting my sister and the kids who rock my world!! I knew it was going to be a good week when I came down the escalator in the Colorado Springs airport and saw Karen and the boys standing there....and as soon as he saw me, normally shy and reserved Noah just started jumping up and down and clapping his hands and laughing excitedly as only he can do. :-) And my heart melted!

That was the start of an amazing week of friendship for me and Mr. Noah!! We made castles in the sandbox in their back yard, read tons and tons of stories, took walks to the park, went shopping, played with cars and trucks, sculpted masterpieces out of playdough, baked cookies...and it was as if we had never been apart. We all came down with a nasty case of the flu while I was there, and one day as I was lying incoherently on the couch, Noah pulled up a chair in front of me and spent the morning stroking my hair, lining up his stuffed animals next to me, and staring sweetly at my pale face. :-) That boy is something else!!!! Every time we sat down to eat at the table, he would turn to me and ask, "Do you want to move your chair reeaaalllly close to mine?"

It was also fabulous to get to know Ben better....that boy is hilarious, talking constantly even though he's only a year and a half old, so big and strong and tough and smart! I loved chasing him around the house and listening to his hearty laugh, watching Thomas movies together, going down the slides at the park, tucking him into bed, snuggling with him in the mornings when he woke up at 6 am and his parents were still sleeping...so much personality!!

And Hope!! She may have weighed over ten pounds at birth, but she is the sweetest, softest, most delicate little girl ever. :-) I loved snuggling with her every chance I got! There's nothing like the newborn stage!!

Karen and I got a bit of shopping in too (between our bouts of puking!) and managed to put some meals in the freezer for them and watch a few movies and chill a bit....but overall it was a week of joining her in her crazy life!! How do young mothers do it???? There's never a dull moment with those boys!!

I'm already planning my next trip to Colorado....it's hard to love those kids so much, to feel like I left a part of my heart behind when I came back home....but not have a clue when I'll see them again! Here's hoping that a seat sale comes up soon! :-) Yes, my life as an obsessed aunt continues....I promise I'll try to come up with something else soon... ;-)

Engaged!

No, not me...don't be alarmed!! But tonight my little brother suddenly called me out of the blue and told me he's getting married! I don't know why it was so unexpected; I guess I thought they'd wait till next summer....but now it looks like we'll be having another Funk wedding before Christmas!! Woah...there's nothing like giving people plenty of time to process the news!! ;-)


Anyway, strangely enough, as soon as I got Brandon's message tonight, I promptly burst into tears. Weird, I know! That's not exactly the reaction one hopes for at times like this! :-) It was probably the combination of so many things, though...first of all JOY that my brother, a guy who's pretty much been my best friend all my life, a guy I've shared an unbreakable bond with no matter where our lives have taken us, has found the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with! Second of all, more JOY in the fact that the girl he's marrying already happens to be a great friend and one of the few people on this earth that I can be totally real with, bare my soul to, pray with, be vulnerable with, laugh with...I couldn't have asked for a better girl to "steal" Brandon away from me. :-) So yes, I'm SO happy for the two of them, so thrilled for everything God's doing in their hearts. But along with that, if I'm honest, there's also a certain amount of sadness, because once again everything is changing. Once again somebody else that I'm close to is entering a new phase of their life, a phase that will include me less and less. And so I have to grieve the end of what was...thank God for the amazing blessing of growing up with a brother that I've shared so many unforgettable memories with...and step into a new season in our friendship. Oh, the joys of growing up....but someone had to be the nostalgic, sentimental one in the family, so I guess it's just as well that that someone is ME!! :-)

Anyway, yeah...there's no need to get all carried away with that! So...congratulations, Brandon and Mandy!! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more crying to do... ;-)

A tribute to the little people in my life

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm pretty much the most obsessed aunt out there. :-) Which is why I'm pretty stoked today that #6 has just arrived.....a beautiful little girl named Hope Aurora Kate Christakis, 10 pounds 6 ounces, born early this morning!! (Okay, so she's not so little....my admiration for my sister Karen just shot up several notches!) ;-) I can't wait to go to Colorado in a few weeks to meet her...and, of course, hang out with her two older brothers!!

Seriously, though, I don't think there's anything I love more than being involved in my little nieces and nephews worlds, loving them, listening to them, playing with them, getting down on their level, and in return getting more adoration than a girl could ask for. And secretly (or not-so-secretly) I love being the favorite aunt, the only one who's single and not wrapped up in my own family, and therefore entirely free to devote all my love and attention to them. Right now, this time, this season, is a pretty smokin' awesome gift...the bonds we're developing are going to last a lifetime!!!

Aaron Jacob....the first to arrive! Aaron was pretty much the cutest baby ever, with his white blonde hair and big blue eyes and endlessly long eyelashes...not to mention his huge grin and eyes that sparkled with mischief (and still do!) I can't believe he's almost seven now...in grade two, reading like a pro, the most natural athlete ever...this kid is going places!! :-)

Our bond has changed a lot over the years as he's grown up...although sometimes it's hard to tell who's the older one in the relationship!! We're always bantering back and forth, trash talking, whispering and scheming behind the others' backs, playing intense games of soccer and football in the back yard and not even trying to reign in our fiercely competitive spirits. :-) We talk tough and play our hearts out, and then in the middle of it all he'll burst into a round of uncontrollable giggles and my heart melts. Then there are the times he gives me a shy grin when I come over and runs to give me a hug, unashamed, or snuggles next to me on the couch with his head on my shoulder while I read him a story. From one extreme to the other...yep, I love this boy!

Hannah Joelle...the most energetic, lively, spunky, dramatic, brave, entertaining little girl I've ever met! :-) Hannah is seriously one of a kind...always bursting out with random hilarious comments, hardly able to sit still for more than a few minutes. She's a super talented gymnast, fearless, and oh-so-creative and imaginative. Her favorite thing in the world to do (besides hanging off monkey bars and doing cartwheels in the back yard) is to dress up in her fancy princess outfits and twirl around the living room while we all ooh and aah. Oh, to be a little girl again! :-)

I love ringing the doorbell at Pam and Jeff's and hearing Hannah's excited squeals through the door, "Auntie Sherry's here!" Then she opens the door and absolutely leaps into my arms, almost knocking me over. It doesn't get any better than that! We have tons of fun playing Polly Pockets and pretending we're kitties crawling around outside (!) and colouring and playing "toilet tag" (don't ask!)...there's never a dull moment when this girl is around!!

Noah Ransom.....oh man! This little guy has had something special about him since day one...my house is practically a shrine to him, even though I can't quite figure out why! :-) Maybe because it took him longer than the others to warm up to me (comes with living a thousand miles away in Colorado, I guess!) but after I spent a month at his house when his baby brother was born, we were bonded for life! We baked cookies and did dishes and read stories and took walks to the park (holding hands, of course...sigh) and watched baby worship DVD's and crafted masterpieces out of play-dough. So much fun!

Noah is quieter and more sensitive than the others, but just as full of mischief...he loves to laugh LOUDLY, he loves to come up with hilarious sayings that he'll repeat over and over just to make you laugh, and his best friend is his stuffed monkey Curious George. I love being Noah's special friend...I love that when we're together he'll come sidling up to me, put his hand on my arm, and say softly in his sweet little voice, "Want to play with me?" I love that at our family reunion this summer, he begged his mom and dad to ride back to Edmonton with me in my car. What a fun trip we had, stopping at McDonald's for lunch and then talking the whole way home. My heart has been forever captured by you, Mr. Noah! :-)



Benjamin Roman.....mom and dad and I took a road trip down to Colorado just before Ben was born, which was one of the best months of my life!! It was so much fun to spend the first weeks of his life together, getting to know this robust little man with the deep voice and hearty laugh who never really seemed like a newborn. I love this guy...he's smart and sweet and tough and manly and has the cutest little facial expressions. And now that he's just starting to talk, I can't wait to see the kind of bond we'll develop. :-)

Ben is all about playing the drums (just like his daddy)...he'll beat on whatever he can find. He's all boy....with many battle scars to prove it. :-) It's SO cool watching him and Noah together, brothers, best friends, playmates, feeding off eachother, hating eachother one minute, loving eachother the next. Karen has her hands full, that's for sure! :-)

Madison Ruth.....ah, Miss Muffin! I moved to Edmonton two days before she was born, so she's the only one I've lived close to since the beginning. And how amazing that's been!! After two heartbreaking miscarriages, Madison was such a phenomenal gift straight from God to Pam and Jeff...a perfect, beautiful baby girl, with her blonde curls, big brown eyes...and what a personality! We used to think Hannah was the dramatic one...but now we know better. :-) Madison is ten times worse...going from the depths of despair one minute, to uncontrollable laughter the next...and in between there are the priceless glares or flirtatious smiles she'll send our way. Unbelievable! Who knew a baby could communicate so much, most of it WAY beyond her years!

But oh, the unexplainable joy when I walk into the room and her face lights up and she starts giggling, reaching out her arms for me to hold her. We'll be sitting at the supper table and she'll beg to be let out of her chair, then as soon as her feet touch the ground she'll run around to my side of the table and crawl into my lap. When I have to leave, she'll stand at my feet hugging my legs and start to cry. Even mommy can't console her at times like that. :-) We chase eachother around the house and look at books together and dance and eat fun snacks and have lots and lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles. And all the while she chatters non-stop with perfect expression and priceless sound effects...never mind that none of it is actual real words. :-) I love you, my sweetheart!


Yep, these kids are my world...and now there's one more little person to love and spoil and get to know!! Three weeks from today I fly to Colorado to start doing just that!! :-)

Nostalgia!!

Oh man....what an amazing night I just had!! By some miracle I managed to find a friend here in the city who actually shares my appreciation for southern gospel music, so tonight we went to a concert out in Sherwood Park...and I have to say, THAT is the music of my soul!!! Tonight I was taken back to my childhood like I haven't been in a long time....it was as if I was sitting at the piano again, playing old hymns, grandpa standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder as he sang along with great enthusiasm. I could close my eyes and there we were, together as a family, all of us, cracking open the songbooks, each taking our parts, filling the house with perfectly blended melodies.

The beautiful harmony...the powerful words...the humor...the sense of family...the hope...all of it spoke to me so strongly tonight, and suddenly I wasn't willing for that part of my life to be forgotten or left to die off. I want to keep this part of my heritage thriving for future generations....the only question is how??

Anyway, I glimpsed a little bit of heaven tonight...and I guess that, even if nights like tonight are going to be few and far between, even if our family gatherings are getting harder and harder to arrange...we still have eternity to look forward to! And I have to think that heaven's going to be about a whole lot of gathering around the throne of Jesus, joy radiating from our faces, hands raised, as we sing our hearts out in worship to the King. Acapella, of course. The tenors, altos, basses, and sopranos all doing their part...every note precise and perfect. And we'll laugh and dance and clap without a care in the world...kind of like the frail old man in front of us tonight who jumped up and down for literally five minutes during a rousing rendition of "It's Shouting Time In Heaven!" I LOVE IT!!!

Oh what a day that will be! :-)

Me and Debbie...still pumped on the ride home. :-)

Hope!

I'm not a poet.....FAR from it!! But tonight as I was having some much-needed God time, as Chris Tomlin and Jason Upton paved the way for the opening of my heart, this is what came out. This, strangely, is all it took for me to go from tired, worn out, lacking perspective.....to feeling alive, excited, hopeful, and confident in what God's going to do next! So here it is! :-)


Jesus, tonight I lay aside all the
tiredness
doubt
fear that my life isn’t going anywhere
that I’m stuck
alone
that nothing will ever change
that this is it.

I lay it down
I open my hands
I release these questions
this fear
this gnawing unrest
to You.

You are the WAY
You are the TRUTH
You are the LIFE
You are all that I need.
You will make a way.
You will keep working.
You will bring freedom
growth
discovery
adventure
peace
surprises
LIFE.

But that can only happen if I will
rest
let go
stop striving
stop trying to figure it out on my own
That can only happen if I will look to You
in my heart’s search for Life.

And so I do
tonight I rest
tonight I wait
tonight I listen
tonight I open your Word
and tonight You will breathe into my soul
new life
new perspective
new hope
new courage
new faith
new expectation
new confidence
in who You are
in what You will do
because You are GOOD.

Jesus
You are here
stirring up excitement
anticipation
hope
confidence.
THANK YOU!

You are more than able
to go before
make a way
touch hearts
speak
prompt
open eyes
reveal
And so tonight I rest in that!

My hands are open
My heart is open
And in my outstretched palms
I offer you
my heart
with all its desires, longings, dreams
I offer you
my passion for Africa, for the children
for a life, a purpose, a ministry
far beyond this
I offer you
my finances, my house, my job
and all the questions and struggles that go along with that
I offer you
my friendships
my family
everything.
It’s Yours, Jesus!

You have created me
You have fashioned me this way
For a purpose, with a plan
For more than just existing, for more than just plodding along
And so I pray
Open my eyes
Lift my gaze
off myself
to YOU.

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord"
Jesus, I want to soar above this world and its cares
I want to SEE in the spiritual realm
I don’t want to be stuck in myself
in my small little world
when you have so much more for me.
So take me there, Jesus
take me further, deeper into YOU.
in YOU there is joy
in YOU there is deep purpose and meaning
in YOU there is always hope
in YOU there is an adventure to live for
in YOU there is real love
in YOU we are seen
known
cherished
delighted in
called
chosen
set apart
set FREE.

You don’t make mistakes, God
You don’t forget
You don’t waste your time (or ours)
THANK YOU!

Summer...

Well, it's been a long time since I've written anything here, mostly because it's hard to know what to write! A lot has happened over the past several months, though....lots of changes!

For starters, I bought a house!! It all happened so quickly...mom and dad sold their farm and suddenly found themselves with a large chunk of cash and no idea what to do with it (oh, the trials of life!), so we started toying with the idea of investing in a house together. I've wanted to be a home owner for a long time; renting gets old after a while! But obviously with the housing market in Edmonton being so ridiculously overpriced, and me just being ME, coughing up several hundred thousand dollars wasn't exactly an option. :-) So, in the end we decided to go for it, decided we would split everything right down the middle...started looking around...saw lots of places that were okay but didn't exactly grab me...and then we found THE ONE. It was an older house but had been completely renovated upstairs and downstairs, had a beautiful basement suite that I could rent out, a huge two-car garage, was in a fantastic location...so after much deliberation we put an offer on it, held our breath, waited nervously while competing offers were considered, and at last got the phone call that we had been chosen! So that started a month of mortgage shopping, packing, cleaning, visits to the lawyer, buying insurance, choking over property taxes, and feeling VERY grown up. :-) Haha. Little did I know how much work owning a house would be, but thankfully I'm strangely passionate about mowing the lawn and doing yardwork and shovelling snow and changing lightbulbs and unclogging plugged drains!

Buying a house has also meant leaving behind my years of solitary living, which has obviously been an adjustment...but I knew it was time to give up some of that independence and privacy and learn to live in close community with someone again. Not that it's always easy, but you can't be praying for growth and asking God to take you further and still be playing it safe, I guess! :-) So my friend Diana is living upstairs with me, I've got a great young married couple living in the suite downstairs, and for the most part it's a happy house!

So with moving and settling into the new place, the summer has absolutely flown by...it's kind of scary to look outside and see the leaves lying on the ground and feel the chill in the air, and know that winter's just around the corner. What happened to all the adventures I wanted to have?! I did get to go down to Southern Alberta for a highly anticipated Funk family reunion, which was mostly spent soaking up every minute spent with my precious nieces and nephews and playing hours and hours of competitive volleyball in the hot sun. :-) And I went up to Dawson for a week of good times with my family and old friends there. And made it out to the lake one weekend with some friends. And had a big birthday party to celebrate turning 21...again... :-) Other than that, though, it was a summer of work and real life and lots and lots of weeding!

One exciting thing that's happened...I finally took a big step towards achieving my creative dreams, after years of making excuses for never having enough time to write! :-) It was in August that with fear and trembling (!) and much trepidation I finally approached my big scary boss about going down to part-time at work, to four days a week, so I can devote more time to writing, being creative, going for walks, breathing, sleeping, being with God, doing all the things that revive my soul and bring perspective and joy. Thankfully, he said YES! So now I get every Wednesday off, and it's amazing what a difference it makes...these are the days I live for now! I love being able to sleep in, have a leisurely cup of tea, and ask God what He has in mind for the day. :-) Obviously writing is a long, slow process...but I have a million different ideas on the go now, and someday they'll all come together!

So yeah, that's been the last four months in a nutshell...and now here we are at the start of fall, on the verge of yet another season, and my prayer is the same: I want to be chasing after intimacy with God while at the same time learning to rest, I want to be going deeper in my relationships, I want to be taking risks, I want to be learning to set up healthy boundaries at work and at home, I want to learn how to simply be ME. I want SO much, which is good, but at the end of the day when I'm tempted to let the questions and struggles and the thirst for adventure and purpose rob me of any sort of peace, God still has just one thing to say:

"Stop striving...and know that I am God." And so I keep waiting. And resting. And trusting!

Spring!!!!

I don't know if I'll ever get over the amazingness of spring..........I mean, good grief, I've experienced it every year since I was born, it's always the same.....and yet every year around this time when the snow finally melts, the sun comes out, the birds are chirping, barbeques are lighting up....EVERY YEAR I'm overcome with such ridiculous joy that I can hardly contain myself!!! :-) Ha ha....yes, it IS that bad; I'm not exaggerating!

Seriously....yesterday driving around in my car with the windows rolled down, the music playing, in capris and flip flops, I was thinking "it doesn't get much better than this!" Then today after church a bunch of us went down to the park and had a little picnic, threw around a football for a while, and I was like "this is the life!!!!!" After months and months of long, hard, cold, dark winter....suddenly spring is upon us, and it's as if everything in nature is just screaming what God wants to do (and is doing!) in our hearts. Bringing new life, restoring hope, giving incredible joy and anticipation and expectation for the summer that lies ahead, renewing courage to dream, bringing freedom....I absolutely LOVE that every year we get a tangible reminder that God's still at work, still opening up our dry, tired, worn-out hearts to receive his love and light and presence.

Yep, today I'm praising God for spring!!!!!!!!!! :-) And I'm excited for the adventures He'll bring next as I enter this new season of hope and joy!

(Haha...and what better way to kick off spring than with an Alan Jackson / Brooks & Dunn concert! As you can see, Pam and I had way too much fun getting in touch with our redneck sides...)

Processing...

This morning I got a phone call saying that my good friend Kevin, a guy who was a huge part of my life for about six years as a friend and then another year after that as a boyfriend, just died of a brain tumor. He was diagnosed about three years ago but was told he'd basically live a normal life, that the tumor should be relatively easy to control and wouldn't grow fast enough to really get in the way of his life. But last fall that all changed and he started going downhill quickly. He hung on for so long, fought so hard, but finally his body was so weak and tired and he just wanted to go home.

Funny, because last night I also had a really vivid dream about him. I walked into a big room full of people I didn't know, then saw Kevin and went to sit down beside him. We ended up sitting there for a long time....like old friends, talking about all the memories we'd shared together, and he was as alive and healed and whole and full of joy as I'd ever seen him. It was literally as if he was in the room with me, that's how real the dream was. I woke up and wondered where on earth it had come from. So to get the call this morning that he had just died hit me hard. It was so unexpected, and yet...not.

There's no need to get into everything, but things didn't end well between us....there was no closure, no resolution, he just walked out of my life one day and that was that. So even though it's been a couple of years, a few weeks ago when I went to see Kevin in the hospital, it was one of the scariest, hardest, and most vulnerable things I've ever done...to voluntarily walk back into the life of a guy who hurt me so badly, and offer him forgiveness and release him from all the hurt and brokenness that resulted when our relationship ended. But I did it, and the healing God did in my heart through that was incredible. It was a long time coming, but I was finally free. Of course Kevin couldn't communicate anything to me that day as I stood by his hospital bed; all he could do was look at me and squeeze my hand. That was enough, though.

But now, through this dream, I honestly feel like I've received confirmation of that healing from Kevin too.....that he's spoken to me through God, through this dream, that the miracle has happened. Our friendship has been healed and restored, and I'm free to move forward. Hmmm. So on one hand while I hurt and grieve for Kevin's family and his new wife Lori, I'm rejoicing that Kevin is in the presence of Jesus now, surrounded by greater joy and life than he could have ever imagined. He is, for the first time, FULLY ALIVE.

"I can only imagine, what it will be like
When I walk by Your side.
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me.
Surrounded by Your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine."

(Mercy Me)

More ramblings...

So tonight I went and watched a documentary playing at church about a couple of guys who went to Africa, India, and Thailand, immersed themselves in the worlds of the people they met there, asked some tough questions, and (of course) were totally changed by the whole experience. And once again I realized that there's no getting around it....I see the face of an African child, look into their eyes, and my heart just RESPONDS. There is nothing else that has ever made me want to drop everything, hop on the next plane, and spend the rest of my life LOVING those kids, somehow providing even an few of them with security, safety, someone who actually sees them, protects them, loves them, provides for them, allows them to dream, introduces them to Jesus. This is seriously a mission I want to run after. I know it....I keep having it confirmed....and yet I still have to ask, "How??" "Really, God?" "When?" "Where?"




Funny because most of my life I told God quite adamantly..."You can send me anywhere, call me to anything, but I will not go to Africa!" How things can change!! Now the continent that I was once totally closed to, indifferent to, sometimes even repulsed by, is a continent full of people that I desperately love...people who have totally captured my heart. I wonder how many more surprises God has in store?? :-)

Here I am!!

And so it's come to this!!! After 27 glorious years on the planet I've suddenly reached a sort of "mid-life crisis"....and apparently the only way to solve it is to publish my deepest thoughts for everyone in the world to read!! :-) So here I sit, Rascal Flatts blaring on the stereo, and as only country music can do (!)....suddenly I'm in that place of taking a good long look at my life and where I'm at, dusting off all the hopes and dreams that have somehow gotten buried over the years, wishing I could slow down time so I could figure some of this stuff out already!! :-)

God's been so good over the years....not that things have been easy, but He's consistently been leading me on a journey of breaking free from fear and bondage, from all the lies about my identity I believed for so long, out of religion, out of the small view I had of Him......into a place of greater and greater freedom, learning to worship, learning to risk, falling SO in love with my Savior. It's awesome to see the growth that's been happening, and even though I still have so ridiculously far to go (!!), I can look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. Yes, He is GOOD. He's also given me some pretty incredible adventures since high school....from Bible school in Austria to backpacking across Europe to working at a home for abandoned babies and AIDS orphans in Africa...I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything! And I've been blessed with great jobs and good friends to share life with, a church where God is so at work, a small group of amazing girls that challenge and encourage me every week, a fabulous family, precious nieces and nephews to spoil and love....I could go on and on!

And yet....since Christmas I've been growing more and more dissatisfied with my life, more and more desperate, more and more hungry for, well, MORE! I've been working quite happily in the business world for close to seven years, but suddenly I can't handle it anymore! I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings and drag myself off to the office....I'm desperate to be set free from the 9-5 routine, the predictability, the same old thing, being surrounded by all the comfort and wealth and blessing that life in Canada brings...but also the complacency and superficiality. Everything in me cries out that there has to be more, that this can't be it....this can't be what I was created for! I'm desperate to be living for a vision that is so much greater than myself, to actually be doing something with my time and energy that ignites passion in me and brings life to others!! I want to be operating in that realm where God is working, healing, transforming lives, setting people free, rescuing them....and I'm part of it!

I blame it on my time in Africa.....three of the most overwhelming, stretching, exhausting, heart-wrenching months of my life....but also the only time I can think of where I was completely, totally, 100% fulfilled. I was pouring out my heart and soul for those kids, and the love they responded with filled me with such amazing joy and purpose and passion that all the other questions in life seemed to fade away. Then I came home and was suddenly overwhelmed with it all again.....with work, with relationships, with guys, with all the areas in my life I so desperately need God's healing in.....and the questions just keep coming!

So I've been asking God lately to give me glimpses of HIS vision for my life....what it would look like if I was actually living out the unique design He had in mind for me...and slowly He's been revealing bits and pieces. How they all fit together, I have NO idea....so in the meantime here I sit, time passing by so quickly, waiting on God, trying to position myself to keep growing in the process....but it's hard to keep the desperation from taking over!!

I guess there are worse places to be, though....as John Eldredge says in Waking the Dead..."Christianity has nothing to say to the person who is completely satisfied with the way things are. Its message is for those who hunger and thirst, for those who desire life as it was meant to be!" So if hungering and thirsting after God and real, meaningful life also means learning to live in that agonizing balance between surrendering all these unanswered questions and unfufilled desires to God...and recognizing that right now, right here, there's something He wants to do.....well, then I guess I'm right where I need to be. Hmmmm. :-)

Now back to the country music.... :-)