Here I am!!

And so it's come to this!!! After 27 glorious years on the planet I've suddenly reached a sort of "mid-life crisis"....and apparently the only way to solve it is to publish my deepest thoughts for everyone in the world to read!! :-) So here I sit, Rascal Flatts blaring on the stereo, and as only country music can do (!)....suddenly I'm in that place of taking a good long look at my life and where I'm at, dusting off all the hopes and dreams that have somehow gotten buried over the years, wishing I could slow down time so I could figure some of this stuff out already!! :-)

God's been so good over the years....not that things have been easy, but He's consistently been leading me on a journey of breaking free from fear and bondage, from all the lies about my identity I believed for so long, out of religion, out of the small view I had of Him......into a place of greater and greater freedom, learning to worship, learning to risk, falling SO in love with my Savior. It's awesome to see the growth that's been happening, and even though I still have so ridiculously far to go (!!), I can look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. Yes, He is GOOD. He's also given me some pretty incredible adventures since high school....from Bible school in Austria to backpacking across Europe to working at a home for abandoned babies and AIDS orphans in Africa...I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything! And I've been blessed with great jobs and good friends to share life with, a church where God is so at work, a small group of amazing girls that challenge and encourage me every week, a fabulous family, precious nieces and nephews to spoil and love....I could go on and on!

And yet....since Christmas I've been growing more and more dissatisfied with my life, more and more desperate, more and more hungry for, well, MORE! I've been working quite happily in the business world for close to seven years, but suddenly I can't handle it anymore! I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings and drag myself off to the office....I'm desperate to be set free from the 9-5 routine, the predictability, the same old thing, being surrounded by all the comfort and wealth and blessing that life in Canada brings...but also the complacency and superficiality. Everything in me cries out that there has to be more, that this can't be it....this can't be what I was created for! I'm desperate to be living for a vision that is so much greater than myself, to actually be doing something with my time and energy that ignites passion in me and brings life to others!! I want to be operating in that realm where God is working, healing, transforming lives, setting people free, rescuing them....and I'm part of it!

I blame it on my time in Africa.....three of the most overwhelming, stretching, exhausting, heart-wrenching months of my life....but also the only time I can think of where I was completely, totally, 100% fulfilled. I was pouring out my heart and soul for those kids, and the love they responded with filled me with such amazing joy and purpose and passion that all the other questions in life seemed to fade away. Then I came home and was suddenly overwhelmed with it all again.....with work, with relationships, with guys, with all the areas in my life I so desperately need God's healing in.....and the questions just keep coming!

So I've been asking God lately to give me glimpses of HIS vision for my life....what it would look like if I was actually living out the unique design He had in mind for me...and slowly He's been revealing bits and pieces. How they all fit together, I have NO idea....so in the meantime here I sit, time passing by so quickly, waiting on God, trying to position myself to keep growing in the process....but it's hard to keep the desperation from taking over!!

I guess there are worse places to be, though....as John Eldredge says in Waking the Dead..."Christianity has nothing to say to the person who is completely satisfied with the way things are. Its message is for those who hunger and thirst, for those who desire life as it was meant to be!" So if hungering and thirsting after God and real, meaningful life also means learning to live in that agonizing balance between surrendering all these unanswered questions and unfufilled desires to God...and recognizing that right now, right here, there's something He wants to do.....well, then I guess I'm right where I need to be. Hmmmm. :-)

Now back to the country music.... :-)