Processing...

This morning I got a phone call saying that my good friend Kevin, a guy who was a huge part of my life for about six years as a friend and then another year after that as a boyfriend, just died of a brain tumor. He was diagnosed about three years ago but was told he'd basically live a normal life, that the tumor should be relatively easy to control and wouldn't grow fast enough to really get in the way of his life. But last fall that all changed and he started going downhill quickly. He hung on for so long, fought so hard, but finally his body was so weak and tired and he just wanted to go home.

Funny, because last night I also had a really vivid dream about him. I walked into a big room full of people I didn't know, then saw Kevin and went to sit down beside him. We ended up sitting there for a long time....like old friends, talking about all the memories we'd shared together, and he was as alive and healed and whole and full of joy as I'd ever seen him. It was literally as if he was in the room with me, that's how real the dream was. I woke up and wondered where on earth it had come from. So to get the call this morning that he had just died hit me hard. It was so unexpected, and yet...not.

There's no need to get into everything, but things didn't end well between us....there was no closure, no resolution, he just walked out of my life one day and that was that. So even though it's been a couple of years, a few weeks ago when I went to see Kevin in the hospital, it was one of the scariest, hardest, and most vulnerable things I've ever done...to voluntarily walk back into the life of a guy who hurt me so badly, and offer him forgiveness and release him from all the hurt and brokenness that resulted when our relationship ended. But I did it, and the healing God did in my heart through that was incredible. It was a long time coming, but I was finally free. Of course Kevin couldn't communicate anything to me that day as I stood by his hospital bed; all he could do was look at me and squeeze my hand. That was enough, though.

But now, through this dream, I honestly feel like I've received confirmation of that healing from Kevin too.....that he's spoken to me through God, through this dream, that the miracle has happened. Our friendship has been healed and restored, and I'm free to move forward. Hmmm. So on one hand while I hurt and grieve for Kevin's family and his new wife Lori, I'm rejoicing that Kevin is in the presence of Jesus now, surrounded by greater joy and life than he could have ever imagined. He is, for the first time, FULLY ALIVE.

"I can only imagine, what it will be like
When I walk by Your side.
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me.
Surrounded by Your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine."

(Mercy Me)